They undoubtedly see right through my shiny veneer. Sure, I’m cute as hell in my Santa hat and boots. My Julia Roberts-style smile shows off many years and dollars’ worth of orthodontia. Can we say Photoshop?

I’m not fooling anyone.

They read between the lines of my chatty, chirpy, oh-so-cheerful profile and see the woman I have learned to hide over the years. Between the words that are written and the words that are not is a whole lot of woman. Men sense this. They know I’m being dishonest with them and myself. They secretly worry if they can handle a woman like me. I not so secretly worry they can’t.

If I trusted myself more, to be authentic and vulnerable, my online profile would read something like this:

I have a friend who went out on a speedboat with her then-husband and another couple. The other woman in the group was having a riot of a time. The wind whipped her hair, the spray of the waves washed up over her, and she completely whooped it up—shrieking and laughing. My friend looked over at her husband who just rolled his eyes. The woman’s husband saw this and enthusiastically said, “That’s my girl!”

I don’t care if your friends find you attractive. We all have our own tastes. You say we have a lot in common? I’m not particularly interested in dating a male version of myself. I couldn’t care less if you enjoy long walks in the rain and movies where you cry just a little. What I really want to know is this: Which man are you out there on that speedboat?

Women who are strong and powerful and independent have been taught that in order to find love we must become small. We get shushed. We get squashed. We get shrink-wrapped. We hear from well-meaning married friends, dating experts, and our mothers: “In order to make men comfortable, you must disguise who you really are.”

Because the self-help books I read mean well and are designed to help, they encourage their readers (women) to change who they are in order to be more appealing to men. I see myself in the pages of what not to do. Women are expected to be seen and not heard. I’m loud. Women are expected to let the men come to them. I pursue. Women are expected to defend their bodies against those luring them to bed. I seduce. Women are meek and mild and malleable. I roar.

The weight must come off. The clothes must stay on. The mouths must stay clamped shut.

These best-selling books tell women what they need to do to be lovable. And just like that, we become categorized as unlovable.

It makes me sad there’s a generation (or more) of single women who believe we have been led astray our whole lives because we were told that we can be, have, and do whatever we want. Because our mothers and grandmothers paved the way to make “having it all” possible, it’s difficult to give in to self-proclaimed dating gurus who value being diminutive over being real.

Rather, I will choose to pour some boat drinks, don an I-don’t-care-if-it’s-age-appropriate-or-not bikini, slather on some sunscreen, peer out at the horizon through oversized Jackie O-sunglasses, and squeal to my heart’s content when the spray shivers up my back. And, when the time comes to choose a man to take with me on my journey, I will pay close attention to which one keeps my fabulousness afloat.

What’s a “good” day for you?  For me, it’s waking up early, having a chunk of time to write, playing a bit of tennis with a friend, working on something that forces me to use my brain, and eating out at a lively, delicious restaurant with a man I love having sex with.  Mmmmm.

The 12/12 challenge is a chance to learn how to harness that good feeling every day so that the creative spirits will flow more regularly.   I read Dr. Weinschenk’s article hoping I could learn some tricks for doing just that.  Her analysis describes creativity as a matrix broken into deliberate, cognitive, spontaneous, and emotional.  She puts artists in the “spontaneous emotional” grid, and that is where I expected to find myself.  After reading her article, however, I believe I’m far too diligent to be purely spontaneous.  The key for me will be to build on the deliberate and cash in on the spontaneous when it comes out to play.

My writing/blogging goals demand that I stay focused, build on what I know, and work steadily.  This will involve tapping into the deliberate cognitive type of creativity which uses the pre-frontal cortex, or PFC.  Because I’m also a spontaneous emotional creative that relies on the amygdala portion of the brain, I must also take time to myself so the PFC and the conscious brain rest.  Work and rest.  Two key components to my good day.

Good Day Priorities:

1. Get to bed at a decent hour so early morning rising isn’t such a challenge.
2. Set aside time each morning to write.
3. Before finishing the writing for the day, write down my writing goals for the following writing session.
4. Don’t neglect exercise.      
5. Don’t neglect my friends, dog, or family.
6. Smile at strangers in the street and wish them a “good day!”

This morning I sat silently in my tattered wicker chair and wrote.  This was novel for me because most of the time I write at a café or bar.  I like the stimulus that comes from people talking, folks coming and going, music playing, and caffeine (or something stronger) running through my veins.

Today’s writing was different, too.  I’ve been stuck for over two weeks on how I’m going to forge ahead with my book.  Rather than get unstuck this morning, I wrote about ideas I had for attempting to free myself from this intense, debilitating writer’s funk.   I accepted a writing challenge.  I wrote a piece for my anonymous blog.  I accepted another challenge.  At no point in this process did I attempt to address the issues called to my attention by my publishing coach.  I still won’t here, but at least I will spell them out:

Writer Identity Issue #1:  Readers will not be able to relate

Rather than being mildly neurotic, in my book I come off as a raving lunatic vying for a chance to guest host on Chelsea Lately.  As my coach told me, “It was okay for Amy Winehouse to behave like that. She was a rock star.  Writers are different.”  Step one will be to tone down the neuroses.

Writer Identity Issue #2:  There is not enough contextualization for my feelings

Just as everyone agrees that Batman Begins was probably the best of that super hero series, most people agree that it’s because they like the backstory.  In fact, many of us prefer the backstory to the story itself.  In my book, I go on and on telling my crazy stories, but I do not provide enough context for why I’m telling them to begin with.  What’s my motivation?  Why did I feel that way?  What was I thinking when I did that?   Providing some backstory—stepping away for a moment to explain my motivation—should help alleviate this issue.  I may also sound less neurotic.  Bonus.

Writer Identity Issue #3:  I do not have a position as an author

My book originated as a self-help dating guide.  Then I started sharing my experiences on those pages, and it became clear that while I knew some great advice for dating and relationships, I wasn’t exactly following any of it.  Rather, I dated impulsively.  I knew the rules but decided that following them was not going to work for me.  Why?  I have no earthly idea.  If I did, then I’d have a position as an author.  That’s a missing link.  I need to take a long, hard look at these (and other) questions before I can proceed:

• Why write this book?
• Why read it?
• What drive me as the writer?
• Why am I telling these stories?
• How am I going to knit this all together?

Writer Identity Issue #4:  Make the conversation relevant

As I write, a lot of my energy goes into weaving the story.  I also pay attention to word choice, cadence, idea formation, sitting with my thoughts, theme, and wrapping up loose ends by returning to the beginning as I conclude.  I’ve been blogging for three years now, so I am pretty well-versed on getting a piece together in one sitting for about 1,000 words.  Anything beyond that is a stretch.  What I do not do well is imagine the people reading my writing.  Who are they?  What do they hope to gain from reading my book?  How will they respond?  Making readers a central focus will assist me as I revise for bringing them into the conversation.

Writer Identity Issue #5:  Manage my image

This is the whammy.  I shouldn’t have too much trouble toning it down, making it real, and giving my writing some perspective.  The real issue at hand is that I’m writing about dating, relationships, and sex, and I sound like a wienie.  My readers don’t want to read about my train wreck stories unless I can demonstrate some maturity at some point and grow-up in the process.  Save the hot messes for late night TV and rock stars.  Whew!  There.  I said it.

Now I need to write it.

I already have a writing mentor, the fabulous Robin Colucci, at Get Published Coach, so I’m set there.  As for inviting three other bloggers to join me in the challenge, I would love to see my dear friend Lynn get a blog up and running to help her with her book, it would be great to re-connect with Sandy at Last First Date through this challenge, and I encourage Tawni from Flirt to join us as well because she has a terrific message and needs to add to her blog so we can all benefit from her wisdom.

My goals for writing / blogging for the next twelve weeks are:

1. To write every day.  Some days it will be for my book, some days here, and some days on my anonymous blog.
2. To contribute to Dating What? Not! at least twice a week with new, fresh content.
3. To have Dating What? Not! and my other writing be a strong, marketable writer’s platform.
4. To finish my book proposal, complete a draft of my manuscript, and write a query letter for agents.

I realize that that sounds like a lot, but I’ll be done teaching soon, so this couldn’t have come at a better time.

Here are the steps:

1. Figure out what kind of writer you are and map out a plan for the duration of the Stop Whining Twelve Step, Twelve Week Challenge that works for your writing style. (For example, I happen to be a “spontaneous emotional,” so a regular, weekly program isn’t going to work as well for me as one that is flexible.) Write about your experience.

2. Read an article related to one or more of your goals like “50 Simple Ways to Build Your Platform in 5 minutes a Day” or “How to Get More Blog Readers” and commit to trying (3) suggestions. Write about your experience.

3. Read one book devoted to improving the craft of writing like Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird or Georgia Heard’s Writing Toward Home, and commit to trying (3) exercises. Write about your experience.

4. Think about three difficulties you have as a writer and write them down. Ask your mentor or another blogger you trust to critique a piece of writing you value and provide feedback in relation to your areas of concern. Revise based on their suggestions. Write about your experience.

5. Submit a suggestion here (in “Comments”) that is not on the Stop Whining Twelve Step, Twelve Week Challenge list and try one that another blogger submits. Write about your experience.

6. Contact (3) bloggers who are immensely popular in your favored genre and ask each of them (3) burning questions you have about writing/blogging. Write about your experience.

7. Write a substantial review of a book or blog in your favored genre and contact the author with a link to your post. Write about your experience.

8. Research (3) people who can help you reach your goals and ask them (3) burning questions. Write about your experience.

9. Attend a writing/blogging workshop, seminar, conference, or writers’ group. Write about your experience.

10. Research (3) contests in your favored genre and submit a piece of writing to one of them. Write about your experience.

11. Research (3) publications in your favored genre that accept freelance submissions (or answer a Call for Submissions) and submit a piece of writing to one of them. Write about your experience.

12. Reflect on the Stop Whining Twelve Step, Twelve Week Challenge and share what worked for you, what didn’t, and how close you came to reaching your goals.

Good luck and have fun!

So, in the tradition of fairness, below is a montage of what I found when I read women’s profiles on Plenty of Fish.  As you probably know, I dish on men a lot.  Well, apparently women deserve a similar beating.  Why am I familiar with these profiles written by women?  Because I like to check out the competition, silly.  I may play fair, but I’m not stupid.

Everything in the compiled example below comes directly from a handful of online profiles written and posted by women.  As I cut and pasted, I haven’t changed a single word, but I did improve the punctuation so you could actually read it.

CrazyLoveSpyder: “Basically Hopeless”

Holy u know what, Batman–I went from one end to the other when I changed my profile this week. I sound sooo serious, and I’m not! Do-over will be forthcoming! Crap, more time on this silly thing??!!

What can I say without sounding so cliche? This is always the hard part…talking about myself. I really don’t enjoy this part I feel like a used car salesman!  I think my friends would describe me as outgoing and fun. Looking for sweet, loving, hard-working and loyal.  Are you my needle in this haystack? Have you ever pictured in your dreams a Busty Botox Barbie? The kind of gal a man would write bad checks for? I hate to break it to you but she’s not here…

Normal seeks same. How hard can THAT be, RIGHT???? A bit about me… I’m pretty normal and well-grounded from life’s lessons.  My Energizers are Sun, Water, Music, Workouts… I feed myself with these and then Energize the world. I am passionate about life! Passion takes many forms.  It’s energetic!  If I ruled the world …fun would be mandatory every day! Looking for the guy who ranks high on the “Fun Factor Scale”!  Why Not?

a left-handed middle child
hates spiders and dust
always ask too many questions
recently adopted a cat named Lilly
has a slight obsession with baseball cards and Marvin The Martian

I don’t approach relationships with the idea that there has to be an “end goal” or a wedding, but rather take it as it comes.  But really? Still dating? It was fun when I was 16. I’m 41, adventurous and compassionate. I have a few degrees. My ultimate dream would be to live in Yellowstone part-time to photograph and study wolves.

I am looking for a strong man who appreciates and treasures a woman with sparkle who wants, not needs him.  I am looking for a man between the ages of… oh let’s say 32 – 46, CUTE & HONESTY is a MUST… Funny, Smart, lives close to me, who loves to cuddle up on the couch & likes go out and do things together… I can’t explain enough that I am sick of BS & Games… don’t waste my time or yours… Life is getting shorter and I / we are getting older… tho I wish there was a way to fix that.. it would be great to have someone to spend my life with & grow old together.. I would like to get married someday to that great guy who is my best friend & partner in life someone who is caring loving and affectionate.

If you’re a player type person or a user, have numerous girls that you see cause you just can’t make up your mind on which one you like best or just want to try them all.. plz move on, I don’t share well.   Also I’m NOT looking for FWB or NSA, unless you have something very special to offer & I just can’t pass it up, then maybe I could be your playmate, lol..

*   *   *

There you have it!  The most amazing profile EVER.  I can’t wait to take it live and see what happens.

Hi T:

Thanks for your email.  No, I don’t play racquetball–but I do like to drink wine:)  Hope you are well and I look forward to figuring out what we want to do now that tennis is out for the time being.

Julie,

So it’s clear to me that Julie might be interested in more than tennis.  Yes, I’m a bit slow but not completely dense. Please don’t take this wrong and be offended but I do want to ask you something…

I’ve been on PoF now for about 6 months and seen everything from people wanting to actually play tennis… to people wanting to have a long-term relationship… to people wanting to just enjoy the moment and if that means having consensual sex on the first date so be it.  I can say without too much shame that I have done all of the above (though the last one was extremely strange for me and the only time I have ever done that in my life… though at 41 after being married a long time, my views on sex outside of marriage have totally changed). 

So I guess to make sure we are both on the same page, what is it that you are after?  Sorry this is probably a really offensive question but I really want to have an honest relationship with what we are after regardless of what it is. 

I’m just asking this question because I did go on one date where it seemed expected that I have sex with the person and I wasn’t in any way going to do that with them and it would have been nice to know up front to help prevent an awkward time.  And just in case you are wondering, I have my preferences but I’m not saying no to anything – I’m asking honestly. OK, so now that my completely awkward question is out of the way, I can ask you what you would like to do. 

I guess the reason I was asking the first question was to understand if that glass of wine was snuggled in one of our houses watching a movie or if it was at a local restaurant talking the evening away. And YES, we better play tennis someday too or I’ll be bummed!

Cheers, T

* * *

T, Wow, that was awkward. I guess I don’t want any of it.  Good luck in your search.

Julie

* * *

Julie,

Now you can see why I’m taking my PoF profile down… that seems to be all anyone is after.  If you want an actual relationship, that would be awesome… pretty much everyone else just wants one thing–which is annoying. 

I never quite know how to ask what someone is after but have learned I want to find out ahead of time to avoid expectations that I’m unwilling to fulfill.  I guess I’m pretty jaded against everyone on PoF at this point probably.

Sorry to have offended… but honestly if you were offended, you are probably who I’m after as strange as that may sound. Anyway, hope you find what/who you are after.

At this point I really want to write back with something snarky / bitchy / in-your-face-asshole-ish but I’m still reeling and don’t know even where to begin.  This seems like a clear example of needing to hit DELETE but I also like to leave ‘em better than I found ‘em and I would love to set this Bozo straight.

Do I explain to him how to treat women with respect? 

Do I remind him that he put himself on a dating site so that he could date women? 

Do I gently tell him to go fuck himself?

Seriously, who the hell does he think he is? 

Why would any woman actually respond to his ridiculous questions seeing that he’s asking it after exchanging only a couple of emails?  

It is kind of sad he has become such extremely damaged goods.  I guess being with a sexually liberated woman after being married for so long put him in a tailspin.  Poor baby.  Bless his heart!

Looking around the room at the revelers, I notice that some people seem to be having a better time than others.  Our city’s team ends up winning the game in overtime, so I suppose it can have to do with some people having to pay through the nose to their bookie the next day.  That can be the answer, but I think it has more to do with feeling alert, alive, and on the ball.  I sit back with my vodka soda and begin observing the crowd.

It becomes apparent almost immediately that the folks who take the lead and confidently moving about from one group of people to the next have an exaggerated presence.  They work the room and seem to be enjoying themselves.  Other, less involved partygoers stand around the periphery and have sullen looks on their faces.  These people look distant, waiting for attention, as they send out negative energy.  Certainly some of us are more Type A personalities than others, and I completely understand that many people can be shy, but this whole question of confidence piques my curiosity and so I set out to test my hypothesis.

According to Pick the Brain, a website “dedicated to self-improvement with a focus on personal productivity, motivation, and self-education,” there are ten things we can all do to build our confidence and meet our potential.  They are:

1.      Dress Sharp

2.     Walk Faster

3.     Good Posture

4.     Personal Commercial

5.     Gratitude

6.     Compliment Other People

7.      Sit in the Front Row

8.     Speak Up

9.     Workout

10.  Focus on Contribution

The editors of Pick the Brain claim that since its inception in 2006, it is one of the fastest growing self-improvement sites on the web and is different because it takes a “broader approach” to self-improvement by publishing “information that people can use to live more prosperous, satisfying lives.”  I have my doubts.

When I think of improved self-confidence I tend to think of words like poise, grace, clarity, and sense.  That’s the positive spin.  Other, less desirable words also creep in:  bravado, over-ego, and machismo.  Where does one draw the line so that he or she comes off as confident instead of a braggart?

Dressing to impress each morning is a terrific way to get off on the right foot in terms of confidence.  Recently I worked with an image consultant who went through my entire wardrobe banning me from wearing certain items, encouraging me to make some key purchases, and teaching me why some colors and styles work best for my body type and coloring.  Now that my entire wardrobe is fine-tuned it runs like a confidence building machine on overdrive.  I look and feel fabulous.

Let’s just say that this idea of “walking faster” isn’t exactly on my radar screen when I set out to dissect the best ways to become confident, but now that I think about it—it does make sense.  This is the same sort of approach as “commanding a room” or “striding forward.”  In each of these cases, the mild mannered I-think-I’ll-just-dip-a-toe-in approach just doesn’t cut it.

Sitting up straight not only works those abs—it also sends a message to people that you have confidence.  I cannot tell you how many times I find myself hunched over my computer, deep in thought, typing away—only to throw the whole damn thing out because it lacks spark.  Good posture is like feng shui for the body—circulation and awareness of form leads to a clearer head and perspective.

In business, marketing is a key to success.  The same is true for self-image and confidence building.  Knowing how you want to “brand” yourself—and putting yourself out there with that very personal stamp of approval—makes others notice and remember you.  Personally, I like to be elegant, playful, and just a bit mysterious.  Keeping these words in mind, my stylist and I made decisions about my wardrobe, hair, and make-up.  We worked to make the packaging match how I view myself and how I want the world to see me.  Voila! 

I had a friend once who made me wait 20 minutes after I arrived at her home for dinner while she yapped on the phone to her mother.  I listened to the conversation she was having (what else could I do?) as she elaborately explained how she was going to dote on her new boyfriend once he came home from a conference.  She then heated up some soup that she had poured from a box and served it to me for dinner.  To this day I don’t think she realizes why I am no longer friends with her.  Having gratitude is like having a generous spirit.  It doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of money on people around you, but it does mean valuing them and their time with you.  Being thankful should not only come on the third week of November.

I’m not a huge fan of compliments, but I do appreciate the positive mindset it takes to offer a deeply felt compliment.  I have one friend who always makes a point of telling me how nice I look first thing every time I see her.  It’s a sweet gesture that I then try and return in the form of a compliment to her at some point later in our time together.  These small acts of kindness set the tone for the evening and show that we notice our surroundings.  Just like good listening skills add to better communication, taking in the environment with an eye for what you can praise builds confidence because you’re more in tune with what’s going on around you.

Teachers make the worst students.  If you’ve ever been to a faculty meeting, you will see anything from knitting to grading papers going on in every corner of the conference room while a few poor souls try and get something accomplished.  Being a “good student” is similar to being a good sport.  If you make an effort to do your best—like sitting in the front row—your confidence increases because you’re actually trying.  I only teach rarely now, and when I decided to leave the profession full-time my mother told me, “Now is a good time for you to practice being exceptional.”  What she meant was that once I decided my behavior didn’t matter as much because I wouldn’t be coming back to campus the following year, that was when I needed to “fake it ‘til you make it” and do even better work so I would have good habits for my next career.

Diana’s New Year’s resolutions include becoming a blonde, losing twenty pounds, and calling friends out when they treat her poorly.  I couldn’t agree with her more.  Speaking up for yourself among friends, colleagues, and love interests means you are being real with them and true to yourself.  You’re not being a total bitch all the time, but it does mean that when you have something to tell someone you actually come out and say it.  Being direct is not one of my more natural habits, but like Diana, I’m working on making sure I communicate my needs before they make me crazy.

Blood pumping, muscles tensing, belly fat shrinking—no wonder working out makes it on the list.  Getting into the habit of regular exercise builds much needed strength, which in turn, adds to confidence.  When was the last time you checked yourself out in a window as you walked by admiring your own legs?  Working out regularly will see to it that you do that on a regular basis.

When we take the focus off of ourselves and give it to others we are being great friends, listeners, partners, and people.  Acts of generosity lead to self-fulfillment because the emphasis is on the community instead of our own selfish pursuits.  I always try to do this when I vote.  Instead of asking myself if a particular bill, candidate, or piece of legislation will benefit me alone I ask: “What will this do to our community?  How will this help or hurt others?”  These kinds of questions can (and should) be circulating as debates about taxation and spending whirl around our presidential candidates.

True confidence bred from a healthy dose of self-realization is quite the opposite from someone who brags saying, “Oh, baby!  Have you met your match!”  Confidence is much more subtle than that.  It’s the feeling you have when you sit back, scan your surroundings and say to no one in particular, “I’m really looking forward to having a great time tonight.”

Here are the basics:  Diana is very fond of Edgar’s dick, Edgar found the Lord recently and is no longer sharing his dick with Diana, and Diana has to canvass Denver in search of another acceptable penis.  Or, put another way:  See Dick run.  Run away from Jane, Dick.  Here comes Jane.  Run, Jane, run.  Faster.  Faster.  Catch up with Dick and fuck the living Jesus out of him.

Or something like that.

Diana’s new gripe about Edgar is that he’s doing all sorts of fun not-very-good-Christian-boy things these days and leaving Diana in the dust.  This includes stalking a stripper.

Apparently Star (oddly, NOT her stage name) is a knock-out Amazon stripper who works at Shotgun Willies.  For the last few months she has been sending Edgar regular sexts including pictures of her crotch.  Excited about the possibilities of being with a woman over six feet tall (Edgar is 5’ 3”), he has bought groceries for her, diligently dropped them off on her patio, and even included a toy for her cat.  Edgar has never seen this beauty in person after months of cyber carrying on and so now he has coaxed Diana into being his private dick.  He needs to know if Star is real.

“It just doesn’t add up,” Diana says while gulping down some beer.  I nod fully tuned-in again while munching on French fries with just the right amount of zest.  “Why would this mythical woman who strips for a living need someone to buy her groceries?”

Diana goes on to tell me that Edgar has gone to Shotgun Willies on a night Star said she would be working when she thought he was home sick.  He brought pictures of her with him, showed them to a few of the girls, and all they said was that she wasn’t working that night.

ME: So she actually works there?

DIANA:  Hmmm.  Who knows?

ME:  Sounds to me like Star may be a dude.

DIANA:  I think we’re all thinking that at this point.

Here are the facts I was able to gather from Diana:

·        Edgar met Star on an online dating site called Plenty of Fish where she contacted him first

·        Their virtual “relationship” became sexualized almost immediately

·        Edgar has been to her house twice and has not seen her.

·        Edgar knows what kind of car Star drives and regularly drives by the Shotgun Willies parking lot looking for it—and has never seen it there.

·        Star regularly mentions her brother.

·        Star has huge breasts.

·        Edgar has an award winning penis.

Diana’s role in all of this is still a bit murky.  Will Diana be expected to meet Edgar in a deserted alley with a large envelope containing photos of Star when she’s not dressed in drag?  Will Diana ambush Star at Shotgun Willies and tear off her G-string?  Does Diana hope that once the mystery is solved, Edgar will crawl back into her arms relieved he finally knows the truth about Star?

In all of the old Bogart films I’ve ever seen the private dick diligently solves the mystery, makes the bad guy face justice, and gets the girl.  What will Diana’s sleuthing get her?  Will she prove the girl has a dick?  Will her prized dick follow her back to bed?  Will she wake up and realize what a true dick Edgar is being to her?  That may all happen, but it will probably take some divine intervention.

At that time she was very nervous about a barbeque she had been invited to by a new love prospect.  I literally had her try on about thirty outfits before we found that perfect match.  A few weeks later, I had the chance to ask her how the barbeque had gone when she wandered back for more clothes.  She was a little shocked but pleased that I had remembered her date.  Her beaming smile said it all.

I didn’t ask her about her wedding when she showed up in the boutique once again last week.  It was clear that we both recognized each other, and I’m positive that her current beau (they were wearing rings) had been the man with the grill two years ago—but I didn’t want to scare the living daylights out of her with my frightening memory.

So, even though I’m not an expert on landing a man OR getting one to propose to me OR dressing for corporate America—I do know what to wear on a first date.  What’s more, I know what NOT to wear on a first date.  Curious if you’re doing it right?  Check out my pointers:

1.      When in Doubt Choose Feminine—What this means is if you are debating between Daisy Dukes and a knee length flowing skirt for a casual brunch, go with the more girlie of the two.  Sure, cut off shorts with your ass hanging out has its appeal if you’ve been dating someone for a while and your plan is to weed the garden for three hours before showering off your dirt together, but it is not the right choice for a date with a new guy.

2.      Legs Trump Boobs—I know you have a fabulous rack.  Trust me, I love checking out women’s breasts, and I’ve noticed yours.  That is also probably true for your date.  So, why keep “the girls” in check but show off your calves and a touch of thigh?  It’s because a certain amount of mystery surrounding cleavage is better than giving away the key to your assets from the get go.  It’s okay to show off some freshly shaved, bottle-tanned legs—that gives him just enough to keep your new guy wanting more.

3.      Black is for Funerals—unless you are going to a themed party where everyone is required to wear black, you should avoid that color on your first date.  Yes, I know it’s slimming.  Yes, I know that’s pretty much all you have in your closet. And, yes, I’m well aware that Coco Chanel would balk at this suggestion.  Too bad.  Choose something colorful and (ideally) bright in a shade that works well for your skin tone.  What do you mean you don’t know if you’re a summer or a winter?  That is some very valuable information, sister.  Get on that.

4.      Heels.  Heels.  And More Heels—I constantly wear high heels, so this definitely shows a bias of mine.  And, I must add a caveat that if you NEVER wear heels, putting them on for a first date for the first time is not a good idea.  My suggestion?  Start wearing them around the house, on errands, and just about anywhere (I will let you get away with sneakers on the tennis court).  Wedges are easier to walk in and still offer the gorgeous silhouette that only high heels can give you.  If you are like me and own some serious Fuck Me Pumps—save those for later dates.  That also goes for your four inch heeled thigh high boots.  Too slutty.  The goal here is to show off some shapely leg–not look as though you are out to get laid.

5.      The Jeans Dilemma—I do not advocate wearing jeans on a first date.  Mind you, I have some fabulous jeans, I live in the jeans capital of the world, and my ass looks just fine in them, thank you very much.  I still avoid them on a first date.  Why?  I like to show my date that I’m excited to meet him and that I put a little thought into my outfit.  Jeans are an everyday staple and meeting a great, new guy does not happen every day.  Show him that you care and don a skirt or sundress.

6.      Less is Not More AND More is Definitely Less—Where am I going with this bullshit?  Okay, what I mean about less not being more is that a miniskirt and tank top where you have less clothes on than you should is not a good idea.  On the opposite spectrum, I also believe that overdressing for a simple coffee date does not go over particularly well either.  No, that doesn’t mean you can wear jeans.  Choose a simple, knit dress or fun skirt with a casual top.  You can skip the really high heels for coffee—but don’t wear flip flops dammit.

7.       Oh, Yeah Don’t Forget—unless your date is to run a 5-K together, skip the ponytail.  Wear your hair down, choose stylish accessories (I like big, bold rings), and keep the make-up to a minimum without looking as though you just rolled out of bed.

Remember:  The best thing you can bring to a date is your refreshing smile—so don’t allow yourself to get so nervous that you forget to do that.  Otherwise, try and have fun.  That’s what this is really all about, now isn’t it?

So, what’s the dilemma?

Curt has recently pulled away from Robyn and she’s not sure what to do.  Should she call him out on it?  Should she text him to try and find out what she did wrong?  Maybe he’s just busy and will be back to his old self soon enough.

In the meantime, Robyn is feeling all tight inside.  She wishes there was something she could do besides wait for him to call OR text OR respond to the times she’s dialed his number.  Yes, it’s true.  Robyn has resorted to blocking her number now when she calls so Curt won’t know it’s her.  This does get him to answer the phone—but the ploy seems to have backfired because he simply hangs up once he realizes it’s her.  Ouch!

Robyn is not the only woman out there who relishes the attention of a new romance and then feels all weak and helpless when it doesn’t take root.  This feeling of abandonment is nothing new—and the desperate attempts by women to win back a man’s favor is also as old as the hills.   There’s got to be a better way.

How can a woman become keep a man interested?  Two words:  Velcro Girl.

I’m envisioning a homemade costume with tights, a pink cape, and a big V sewn across the chest.  The mask (of course) is outlined in rhinestones.  White GoGo boots round out this new spangled action heroine who swoops in to help women like Robyn when they are feeling lost.

In order to be Velcro Girl, Robyn needs to have a plan for getting herself strong again while allowing the whole SNAFU with Curt to take a backseat.  So she slept with him—big deal.  Unless they end up sharing a kid together or a bad case of herpes that piece of the puzzle shouldn’t matter too much.  The real issue here is Robyn’s lack of self-control when it became clear to her that Curt was no longer interested.

The first thing Robyn needs to do is get a buffer friend or group of friends.  These friends are the people she calls when she really wants to call Curt.  They know their role and talk her down off the cliff during these moments of weakness.  They may even offer to join her on a walk or bike ride.  These very understanding friends go about their business as women like Robyn whine about how much they miss their lover, scheme about getting him back, and rant about how shitty ALL men are.  It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it.

The reason a buffer friend is necessary is because Robyn needs to give Curt a chance to miss her.  She’s dug herself a pretty deep hole with the blocked number fiasco, but there’s a chance that Curt may decide that he really likes Robyn and would like to pursue after all.  Yes, she’s shown her needy side—but showing vulnerability isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Besides, if they really did have a strong initial attraction, there’s a chance that it’s the real deal and can work itself out.

In the meantime, Robyn should not try and repair the damage that has been done.  She needs to understand that reaching out to Curt is not in her best interest, back off, and move on.  Sometimes women believe that they need to talk out the issue in order to resolve it.  That’s what women do.  However, talking about her hurt feelings, insecurities, and other issues with Curt this early in the relationship will pretty much act like a repellant.  That’s what buffer friends are for.

The last piece of advice I have for Robyn and all women who find themselves in a place where they need to let go of a man who has lost interest is for her to do the things that make her strong.  For me, that means eating healthy, spending time with Bennett dog, and having plenty of quiet time.  I know other women who build their strength reserve by reaching out to old friends, hiking in the Rocky Mountains, or giving themselves a makeover.  Whatever it takes, it needs to simply be about you.  It’s not about the Curts in your life.  It’s not about winning him back or losing 10 pounds so you can land another man and make him jealous.  It’s not a scheme orchestrated for the benefit of men.  Getting strong again after feeling weak once a budding relationship withers is no different than sewing that pink cape, glue gunning those rhinestones, and pulling on those white GoGo boots.