Tag Archives: Advice
For Those Times When Pumpkins Do Not Become Carriages, Glass Slippers Shatter (and You Are Home Alone as the Clock Strikes Midnight)
“I’m more embarrassed than anything,” my brother confides in me. “It probably lasted longer than it should have. We were just too different to begin with. . .” his voice trails off and I want to push, I want answers, but I stop myself. Another fairytale romance bites the dust. Jeffrey and his lovely wife […]
Gimme Back My Mojo
Some may blame it on my over-active ego, but I was poised to dazzle a new group of people last month at a popular wine tasting event my friends host each year. New outfit. Check. Clean hair. Check. Winning attitude. Well, for at least the first twenty minutes. After that, I sat by myself on […]
“I’ve Never Done This Before” and Other Lies He Sees Right Through
Men do it all of the time. They blurt out that they’ll call you tomorrow. They swear up and down that they LOVE cuddling or your lap dog or your new outfit or that haircut that took all day at the salon but he never even noticed until you pointed it out. He tells you […]
Gag Reflex
Of course, I can’t really blame the men. They undoubtedly see right through my shiny veneer. Sure, I’m cute as hell in my Santa hat and boots. My Julia Roberts-style smile shows off many years and dollars’ worth of orthodontia. Can we say Photoshop? I’m not fooling anyone. They read between the lines of my […]
The Ultimate Online Dating Profile
I like to play fair. You might think that this lack o’ cheating has something to do with a moral compass, or some other reasonably positive personality trait, but you would be wrong. That’s right. I do it for selfish reasons. Surprise! (Well, maybe if you’ve read anything I’ve ever written it wouldn’t be that big of a […]
Tennis? Anyone? Anyone?
Up until yesterday, I have been moderately amused with a man on Plenty of Fish where we talked about meeting to play some tennis for our first date. . . . after getting 20 inches of snow dumped on us—it seemed to me like a good idea to come up with some kind of alternative plan. Below […]
The Keys to Confidence
Our hodge-podge group of acquaintances meet for football and dancing (odd combination, I know) at a local lounge rented out for a private party. Wearing my thigh high leather boots and sequin mini-skirt, I am ready to get down to some serious boogie-ing. The energy feels ripe for a woman who exudes confidence. Looking around the […]
Sleuthing with Dick and Jane
“Can you even believe I got cock-blocked by Jesus?” Diana’s question is one she returns to on occasions when she is stuck with a particularly disappointing penis the night before. “Edgar has the perfect penis . . . . If I wasn’t getting cock-blocked by Jesus I would get to be with Edgar and wouldn’t […]
Wear This (Oh God! NOT That!) On Your First Date
Those happy couples always get me. This is especially true when I’m working retail and the giddy beyond fucking belief duos wander in together holding hands. The difference this time was that I recognized her. Sometimes this who-has-a-memory-like-that? gift is a curse (like when I recognize students from years ago when they are completely inebriated) […]
Velcro Girl
Robyn met Curt the old fashioned way—he saw her profile, emailed her, asked her out, and promptly seduced her into bed with him. According to Robyn, things were moving along swimmingly. They had “amazing” chemistry, he was a good listener, and he was sufficiently attentive. She liked it that he texted her a couple of […]
